The Many Fates of Mary Sue
by chisscientist
Summary: The Suethor has invented a computer program that will send hundreds of identical Mary Sues to Middle-earth. Can she be stopped before Middle-earth disappears into a giant plothole? Or does Middle-earth have more defenses than it is given credit for?
1. Prologue: The Suethor's Evil Program

**The Many Fates of Mary Sue**

Disclaimer: This story is based on any and all of JRR Tolkien's works set in Middle-earth, ie. _The Lord of the Rings, The Silmarillion, The Hobbit, The Book of Unifinished Tales_ and the assorted _History of Middle-earth_ books. It also contains various tropes about that strange life-form known as the Mary Sue. I make no money off this, and am writing purely for your and my amusement. **  
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**Prologue: the Suethor's Evil Program**

Cackling evilly, the Suethor leaned back in her computer chair. She had finally finished the programming that would allow her to send hundreds of copies of the perfect girl to Middle-earth. They would be tall and impossibly beautiful, with blue-black hair and eyes that were a highly unlikely shade of blue. Of course, they'd be arriving at random times and places, but you couldn't have everything. All she had to do now was sit back and watch...

She smiled happily as the first story began to appear on the screen. And then sat bolt upright swearing angrily. When she had allowed the time and place to be random, she had not meant for any of them to land in the middle of the Ekkaia and drown. She reached for the mouse to check over the code, but then realized she wouldn't be able to change anything until the entire program had finished its run. There was nothing she could do now but sit back and watch.


	2. Of Linguistic Difficulties

**Chapter Two: Of Linguistic Difficulties and Mistaken Identity**

**Mary Sue Goes to Gondolin**

The Sue appeared at the edge of a valley surrounded by some of the highest and most jagged mountains in Middle-earth. On a hill of grey stone in the center stood a white city, tall and proud and fair. She shivered and scowled. It was cold up here, and that city was a long way off. The high heeled shoes her creator had given her were utterly inappropriate for the long hike down, and a ballgown didn't exactly give much protection against the elements. She looked at the tumbled rocky slopes below her. Perfect for turning an ankle. She knelt down and took off her high heeled shoes before beginning the walk down.

Derufin, the young hunter who had found her the following day five miles outside the city was not pleased with the idiot mortal whom he'd found suffering from hypothermia and mildly frostbitten feet. What sort of fool would go walking barefoot and without a cloak through the encircling mountains in October? Ah well, at least he wasn't the one who'd have to explain it explain it to King Turgon.

King Turgon was highly confused by her explanation in a language that did not yet exist, and sent her to the mind healers for treatment. She eventually settled down as a law abiding member of Gondolin, known mostly for being Gondolin's only female mortal, making excellent apple pie and naming her hens incomprehensible things like 'Larry' and 'Eggletina'. She never married and died of extreme old age at the age of 102.

The Suethor snorted in indignation. The least she could've done was marry Glorfindel, but oh no... although possibly she should've equipped the Sues with hiking boots and jackets. She hadn't considered the possibility of inclement weather when deciding how to outfit them.

**Mary Sue has dinner with Smaug**

... and becomes the dinner.

**Mary Sue in Numenor**

The Suethor shrugged. Who cared about Numenor anyway? She turned back to the screen just in case something interested had happened. Oh. The Mary Sue had landed on what used to be Numenor but was now the middle of the Belegaer. So much for that idea.

**Mary Sue in Minas Tirith**

The Suethor sat up straight, a wide smile on her face. Finally, Mary Sue had gone somewhere good. Perhaps she'd marry Aragorn or Faramir or...

Orodreth looked up from his paperwork to study the mortal girl one of the patrols had found wandering lost along the banks of Sirion. She was wearing clothing that was obviously borrowed, as it was was patrol uniform and far too tight in the chest for her. She raised an eyebrow and grinned at him, obviously noticing where his gaze had gone. Orodreth flushed and looked slightly aside. She didn't speak Sindarin, or so his guards said, so he tried Taliska "Can I help you, child?"

The girl responded in a language that sounded slightly like Taliska but was completely incomprehensible. Orodreth frowned. It wasn't either dialect of Taliska, so it must be the language of the people of Haleth. He'd never found time to learn it, which was a shame. He told the guards to see to it that she was sent back to Brethil.

Later that night, Orodreth's wife noticed he was very enthusiastic. She was quite pleased by this, and Gil-galad was born a year later.

Meanwhile, the Sue travelled to Brethil, where it was promptly discovered that she wasn't one of their's either. However, the people of Haleth volunteered to keep her and Mary Sue found herself married to a forester with whom she produced 14 children.

The Suethor groaned. She didn't believe this. They'd got the Wrong Minas Tirith! And while she had programmed her Sues to speak Westron, this was of course completely incomprehensible in the First Age. Useless! Although - and the Suethor cracked a grin, if the Sue had been responsible in any way for inspiring Gil-galad's existence, maybe this trip wasn't so useless after all.

Author's note: Orodreth is Gil-galad's father in some versions of Tolkien's legendarium. In the Silmarillion proper it is Fingon, and in one very early version it is Finrod. Gil-galad even seems to have been a member of the house of Feanor at one point, although I can't confirm that. Take your pick. The elvish gestation period is one year. Poor elves.

Taliska is the ancestor of Adunaic, which is the main ancestor of Westron.


	3. Arda's Surface is 70 Percent Water

**Chapter Three: Arda's Surface is 70% Water**

**Mary Sue lands in the Sea of Rhun...**

And freezes.

**Mary Sue lands on the Helcaraxe 10 days after the Noldor have been through...**

And freezes.

**Mary Sue goes to Far Harad**

Where a tribal chieftain was extremely impressed by her exotic appearance. She became his sixth wife, but disliked him and ran away. She stole a canoe and paddled across a river known locally as the Khastag, but the current was very strong and she lost her grip on the paddle. She was swept out to sea, where she was found after nearly two days by Umbarian Corsairs intent on piracy. She never thought she'd be glad to see corsairs, but there it was. She was taken prisoner, and then went back to Umber with them. After two years of slavery in Umbar she finally succeeded in running away with a fellow slave to Gondor, were they were brought before Ecthelion the Steward.

Ecthelion looked on the escaped slaves with a mixture of pity and worry. The man held his head proudly like the former soldier of Gondor that he was, and for all his thinness and scars it was obvious he had not been broken. The woman would have been strikingly beautiful if she were not so thin and shabbily dressed. Ecthelion sighed. It wouldn't be the first time that escaped slaves had proven to be spies, and several of his counselors were urging him not to accept refugees, but he could not turn these two away.

"You will find refuge here," said Ecthelion. He turned to the soldier. "I have the greatest respect for the deeds you have done in order to return home. Go then, with my blessing and live in peace - or so much peace as is possible in these darkening days. As for you, my lady, what would you do now that you have reached refuge?"

"I would go with Amandur, my lord steward," she replied.

Ecthelion smiled. "Go then, and live in peace as a free woman in the land of Gondor." Amandur and Mary Sue bowed to him, and were escorted out into the city and their first day of freedom. The sun had never seemed so bright to Mary Sue.

The Suethor paused. She found herself rather impressed by this Sue, yet at the same time she felt almost sorry for her. Nobody should have to live through that. _But they are just Sues_, she told herself fiercely, _just a computer program that produces hundreds all exactly the same. It's not as if I'm doing anything wrong..._

**Mary Sue lands in the middle of the Bay of Forochel...**

And drowns.

**Mary Sue lands in the middle of the Great Eastern Desert...**

And dies of thirst.

**Mary Sue lands four miles away from Bree...**

And walks in the wrong direction. She falls into a bog and is never seen again.

**Mary Sue lands in the middle of the Ekkaia...**

And drowns.

**Mary Sue lands in the sea off Far Harad...**

Fortunately there was a small island nearby and she was a strong swimmer. She swam to the island, where she ate coconuts and wove herself a grass skirt, living happily there for four years until she was hit by lightning.

The Suethor frowned. Why did her Sues keep ending up in the middle of the ocean? She strained to remember back to her high school geography class - and groaned. On this earth at least, 70% of the earth's surface is covered by water. No wonder her Sues were drowning.


	4. Things Just Keep Going Wrong

**Chapter Four: Things Just Keep Going Wrong**

Additional Disclaimer: The PPC (Protectors of the Plot Continuum) belongs to Jay and Acacia. The idea for this story you are reading (the part about sticking Sues into the situations Sues never seem to end up in) came from a story I now can't find, which was in the Silmarillion section. This story is also influenced by Boz4PM's _Don`t Panic_, which is a really good story, by the way.

* * *

**Mary Sue lands in the middle of the Ekkaia...**

And drowns.

**Mary Sue lands in the middle of the Ekkaia...**

And drowns.

The Suethor frowned and wondered if the program was malfunctioning. Two the same in a row... then she realized that the Ekkaia was enormous and existed for all of Arda`s history. There would probably be a lot of Sues ending up there.

**Mary Sue in The Shire...**

Mary Sue found herself in the middle of a field of grain. She looked around, and began walking towards the edge of the field. "Hey, stop trampling our grain!" a voice yelled. She looked around and saw nobody. Then she looked down. There was a rather small hobbit child with a sling and a determined expression looking through the gate twenty feet away. "My dad will be mad at you," he said. "Big folk aren't allowed in the Shire. The King said so."

"Sorry," said Mary Sue. "I... got lost and just sort of ended up here. I don't mean any harm."

The hobbit child looked at her solemnly. "You don't look like a bandit," he said.

"That's because I'm not," Mary Sue said.

"Did your dress have an act-accident?" The child said. "It looks like it's going to fall off."

Mary Sue look down at her dress, then back at the child. "It's supposed to look like that," she said.

"Oh," said the child, wrinkling his nose. It was obvious to Mary Sue he didn't approve.

She continued walking towards him, but then her spike heel landed on a rock which moved under her. She fell, landing on her ankle. "#$%!" she cried.

The child took one look at her and fled, screaming "Mummy, there's a lady bandit in the wheat field screaming in black tongue!"

In less than three minutes, Mary Sue found herself surrounded by hobbits, most clutching pieces of farm equipment and hunting weapons. By dint of much explaining, pleading, and finally bursting into tears, Mary Sue managed to convince them that she wasn't a bandit, she was really lost, she wasn't dangerous and she had hurt her ankle. At this point the hobbits took pity on her, and took her home with them for the night.

She ended up staying with them for two months until a trade caravan bound for Bree could be found. The hobbits were kind, but Mary Sue found herself frequently baffled by odd local usages of Westron. Then there was the constant stooping so as not to hit her head, the difficulty in finding anything to wear, and the fact that all tools were child-sized so what meager hand skills she had were made even clumsier and she felt utterly useless. Mary Sue was very glad to get to Bree, even if it did mean traveling with a group of dwarves that smelt like iron cookware.

Once in Bree, Mary Sue found herself better able to adapt, and settled into a normal life that did not enter the history books.

Meanwhile, her Suethor was fuming. "I send as you to The Shire - to The Shire during Aragorn`s reign, and do you do anything interesting? No! You migrate to Bree!"

**Mary Sue Lands in the Bay of Belfalas:**

And drowns.

**Mary Sue Lands in the Belegaer:**

And drowns.

**Mary Sue goes to Utumno:**

The Suethor winced. Morgoth's original fortress, from before mortal Man even existed. She wasn't sure she wanted to read this one, but she steeled herself and looked.

Oh. So the answer to the old argument as to whether the orcs are descended from Elves or Men is... things that were once Elves - plus a Mary Sue. The Suethor shuddered. She didn't really want to think about the fact that her computer program had just aided the enemy in one of his foulest deeds. Still, other Sues would make up for it, surely? She had programmed them to be good.

**Mary Sue goes to Mirkwood:**

And is eaten by a giant spider.

The Suethor cursed. Mary Sue never even met Legolas! Sending random Sues into Arda might make avoiding the PPC easier, but it certainly didn't assist in seducing handsome elf-lords. Those poor wretches in Utumno REALLY didn`t count.


	5. Interactive Sues

**Chapter Five: Interactive Sues**

**Mary Sue, meet Mary Sue**

Mary Sue steadied herself and examined her surroundings. She was in what looked to be a moderately sized kitchen. There was a large wood stove in one corner, and lots of pots and pans hanging from hooks on the walls. Behind her, she heard a shocked gasp and turned to look. There was an old woman standing there who looked vaguely familiar. She had bright blue eyes and though she was stooped now she looked as if she had once been tall and very beautiful. "Mary Sue," said the old woman, and laughed.

"How did you know my name?" asked Mary Sue.

"Because I am also Mary Sue," said the old woman, smiling. "Welcome to Minas Tirith. I must say you are luckier than I was when I landed. This place is a decided improvement on Far Harad and on Umbar."

"This is Minas Tirith?" said Young Mary Sue. "Oh wonderful!"

"I think that I will have to explain you as my long-lost neice," said Old Mary Sue. "Oh, and this is Amandur, my husband." She indicated the man had come up behind her.

"Oh," said young Mary Sue. "Um, pleased to meet you," all the while wondering why Old Mary Sue had picked him. He didn't look anything special, and judging by the house he wasn't a prince or a great lord or anything. Old Mary Sue glared at her, but she didn't notice. Later that evening Old Mary Sue took young Mary Sue aside to have a little talk.

"I can tell you are not very impressed with what I built here," said Old Mary Sue.

"Why Amandur?" she asked. "With your beauty, I would have thought you would find somebody more, more..."

"Better looking? Richer, perhaps? The Umbarian pirate who enslaved me for two years was both."

An awkward silence ensued.

Old Mary Sue sighed. "You are so shallow, child. These things are not important when set against kindness and courage. You'll learn. I just hope you won't find the lessons so harsh as I did."

The Suethor winced, remembering the Old Sue's story. Old Mary Sue seemed to have a knack for making her feel guilty. She quickly scanned the rest of the story. Apparently, Young Mary Sue tried to attract Lord Denethor's attention, and managed only to make a fool of herself. In spite of herself, the Suethor found herself giggling as she read what Young Mary Sue had done. Crashing a house-of-Hurin family party wearing a bikini? Idiot.

Obviously, this failed miserably, and Mary Sue had now ruined her reputation. She finally settled down with a blacksmith some eight years later. The Suethor was left wondering how the two Mary Sues in this story could be so different when they had been programmed exactly the same. Maybe the nurture argument was right after all - or possibly it was another flaw in that blasted program.

**Mary Sue falls into the Belegaer:**

And drowns.

**Mary Sue lands on top of Caradhras in January:**

And falls in a cravasse.

**Mary Sue goes to Almaren:**

Where she was immediately surrounded by fascinated Maiar, all chattering away in a language that seemed to be only half in human hearing and which Mary Sue did not understand. Mary Sue was overwhelmed, and couldn't manage to make any noise more informative than a small squeak. They were so very beautiful, and even she could feel the power radiating off them. She finally got her act together and croaked "Hi, my name is Mary Sue." Then all of the Valar arrived and she was once more speechless.

The Valar and Maiar were very kind, but they clearly didn't have a clue about how to deal with incarnate beings, let alone mortals. Trying to explain about food, sleep, and clothing was an exercise in hand gestures and frustration. Once they got the idea they were fine, and Mary Sue suddenly had more of whatever-it-was then she could possibly use. Even she couldn't figure out how to wear 1000 dresses in a reasonable amount of time.

Still, it was difficult. She couldn't manage to learn their speech, since she could only hear about half of it and could produce even less, so she taught them Westron. They seemed rather amused by this, especially when she had to correct Manwe's pronunciation.

They were also condescending. Oh, they didn't mean to be, but they couldn't seem to help it and on occasion she lost her temper. She ended up screaming at Yavanna that she was not a child! - to which Yavanna replied "To us you are, dear," and Mary Sue gave up in disgust.

**Mary Sue falls in the Bay of Balar**

And drowns.

**Mary Sue lands in Long Lake**

And drowns.

**Mary Sue lands in the middle of the Dagor Dagorath:**

And is killed by Turin Turambar by accident.

The Suethor groans. A famous battle, and her Sue gets killed by friendly fire. Still, there was a certain cachet to being killed by Turin Turambar by accident. It was at least traditional.

**Mary Sue lands 20 miles East of Tol Eressea:**

And drowns.

**Mary Sue goes to Mandos:**

Mary Sue looked around her in astonishment. One moment she had been drowning in deep water, and the next she was here. Here was shadowy grey halls that seemed made from smoke. She could see through the pillars if she tried. Immediately in front of her a glowing yet insubstantial person appeared. He was extremely tall, and for all that she could see right through him she had the immediate impression that this was somebody she didn't want to offend.

Namo, Lord of Mandos, groaned. "Not another one," he said. "You are the twentieth identical female mortal to turn up in my halls after falling into Arda in a fatal location. What are you doing here?"

"Being dead, I guess," said Mary Sue.

"That is fairly obvious," said lord Namo, looking down his nose at her. "Still, I suppose it is not your fault - the fault belongs to she who sent you. When I meet her she is going to regret it. Come this way, the mortal's section is over here. You'll find some of your sisters, though most of them have left for the Timeless Halls. I fear you will not be the last of your kind to enter these halls, either."

"He's a character in a story," sputtered the Suethor. "How dare he threaten me? I'll write him a nasty accident... oh. I can't interrupt or alter that beeping program until it's finished. Well, I'll write him a nasty accident once it's done."


End file.
